


Evan Becomes A Tree (YASSS)

by ConsiderableLogicality



Series: CRACK [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Les Schtroumpfs | The Smurfs, Not really lorax either but, The Lorax (2012), Well - Fandom, not really the smurfs but also kind of
Genre: Crack, Cussing, Explicit Language, F/M, Murder, My shame and pride, Romeo and juliet style suicide, Trees, bathbombs, mcdonalds, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 18:56:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11424072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableLogicality/pseuds/ConsiderableLogicality
Summary: Ha ha ha y'all thought the crack was over! Nope!





	Evan Becomes A Tree (YASSS)

**Author's Note:**

> Oops someone let me out of my cage again

"MOTHER," Evan cried. "I want to be a tree."

"Evan," Heidi replied, "...No."

"But Moooooom! Trees!!!"

"Evan, my child, are you high?"

"NUUUUUUUU I'M NOT HIGH YOU'RE HIGH!" Than Evan started giggling uncontrollably.

"Why are you laughing?"

"High Heidi. Hehe hehe hehe heh."

"Evan, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

"MOOOOOOOOM!" EVAN SHOUTED. "I WANNA BE A TREE!"

"No." Heidi walked away.

Evan decided to take matters into his own hands. That night, he climbed a tree. Then, there was a shooting star. Evan closed his eyes and crossed his fingers. 

"I wish to be a tree."

The shooting star got closer and closer. Evan's eyes widened. But then it disappeared and Evan was still not a tree. In his shock, he fell out of the tree.

"Wow kid, are you an acorn?" A voice asked. Evan looked up.

"Hi. I'm Evan Hansen."

"Nice to meet you Acorn. I'm thE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN! So why were you in a tree?"

"Oh, I want to be a tree."

JARED dug a bathbomb out of his pocket. "Eat this and you shall become a tree. Lol bye." With that, JARED left.

Evan ate the bathbomb. But apparently, it was one of those weird bathbombs that had a little toy in the center, because Evan started to choke on the toy thingy. When he preformed the Heimlich maneuver on himself, the toy came out, and it wasn't even a cool toy. 

It was like one of those crappy plastic things you get from a Happy Meal at McDonalds. You know, the kind that doesn't move and doesn't even look like the character. Evan thought it was supposed to be Wonder Woman, but honestly he wasn't sure.

Oh yeah, and it didn't even turn him into a tree. "Fucking aaaaaaasssssshhhhhhhooooooeeeeeeee!" Evan screeched angrily. "Also I fucking swear if I don't turn into a tree this instant."

From nowhere, Smurfette appeared. (A/N: I have never seen a Smurf movie or episode so I am winging this, oops!)

"What's shaky, eggs and flakey?" Smurfette asked with a flirty wink.

Evan was instantly in love. He decided Smurfette was worthy of his best pickup line. "Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven, cuz I'm a trampoliiiiiiine~~~."

Smurfette passionately kissed Evan. They were totally OTP. 

Then, Evan broke off. "I'm sorry, but I can't be with you, Smurfette."

She gasped. "But why not, Evan? I'm blue, ba da dee da da da do!"

Evan sighed. "Because I can only be with trees."

Using her super sexy sauve smurf powers, Smurfette became TREE.

"What about now?" Tree asked.

"Perfect!" Evan exclaimed passionately.

But then, The Onceler came and cut Tree down. 

Evan screamed in anguish.

"Bitch, you need a thneed." The Onceler stated, before swaggering off.

Overcome with grief, Evan killed himself. It was like The Titanic. Or Romeo And Juliet. Or The Fault In Our Stars. Whatever it was, it was super dramatic.

Then Heidi and The Onceler made out. Poor JARED was left all alone.

~~~FIN~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Regret fills me


End file.
